Why Children = Death

Welcome back to another riveting installment of "The Babysitter." For those of you new to this blog, I'm using the phrase "riveting" loosely. Terms like "contrived, nonsensical, and idiocy-filled" would all be more appropriate adjectives. However, after this post I will no longer be using the word "babysitter" loosely, because some babysitting is finally about to happen. Unfortunately, it doesn't end well.

Chapter Three

December 3rd

8:41 AM

"Riiiingggggg!" went the telephone. "Hello?," said Faith. She was getting ready for school. "It's Lily. Turn on the news." Faith turned on the news. (How does Faith know which news program to turn on? Maybe she’s the one with precognitive powers?) "Once again, the young girl found in the woods is not dead. She is in, what doctors are calling, 'lasting sleep'." Faith felt as though she would throw up. (Why does Faith automatically assume that the girl is someone she knows? And if she does, then shouldn’t she just assume it’s Kris? She has no other friends besides Lily, who’s clearly fine, and Salem, who lacks the anatomy required to be “the girl found in the woods”…as far as we know.)

"Who was the young girl?," she asked. (Seriously, Faith?) Lily was silent. That's when River came down. "Hey stupid," he said, "did you hear about Kris?" (I hate how insensitive River is here. It’s actually surprising because he turns out to be very understanding and compassionate…or he was supposed to, anyways.)

***

December 3rd

9:45 AM

"I can't believe this happened. How's your sister taking it?," Lauren asked. (I don’t know why Lauren thinks it’s okay to just casually call the girl who is supposedly her “arch nemesis.” Maybe it’s because they “used to be friends?” Speaking of which, I don’t know why Faith and Lauren had their falling out. Perhaps Lauren realized what a drama queen Faith is, and maybe Faith doesn’t want to be friends with Miss Worst Comeback Ever?)

"Well lets see. One of her best friends is found in some sort of coma, she just stabbed her boyfriend, and now she has to babysit two awful kids tonight. How would you take it?," said River. (I like that River is being so rude and sarcastic to Lauren. It almost makes up for his previous insensitivity.)

Lauren gave him a look of disaproval. (Okay, I guess Lauren didn’t call Faith…but where are they? Are they at school? The story isn’t clear. What a surprise.) "Your just like your sister," she said and walked away. River couldn't stand Lauren. Faith was always telling him stuff about how Lauren was such a prep and how she thought she was so cool. (Does anyone remember back in the day when “prep” was supposed to be an insulting term for those kids who dressed well and were popular? Yeah, it doesn’t hold much weight now that I’m not jealous of them anymore. Also, is this the explanation about why Faith and Lauren are enemies now? I’d have thought something more intense (and interesting) would have happened. I mean, they’re not even frenemies, so it sounded more serious)

She also said stuff about how she was really mean, but River didn't see any of it first hand untill he started going to the high school last September. (Way to be specific, River. I like how I blame my characters for my lack of detail.) He didn't really hate his sister, he just argued with her a lot. (Oh, so that explains the insensitivity. You’re off the hook, River. Not.) In fact, he was even going with her to the hospital today to visit Colby. He didn't like Colby either and he didn't think that his sister did. Not really. She says she does but River knew she's lieing. (Wait a second, Faith doesn’t like Colby? Where’d that come from? I don’t think I expound on this further, and now it’s going to bother me.)

***

December 3rd

10:03 AM

"It doesn't feel the same without Kris," said Faith. She and Lily and Salem were sitting in the court yard of their school. (Since my story lacks any sort of detail at all, the courtyard was supposed to resemble the courtyard from Buffy. Also, in case you care, Faith was supposed to look like Eliza Dushku, who played Faith on the show, and Lily was supposed to look like an adult Soleil Moon Frye. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know.) "I know," said Salem. "It doesn't make any sense," Lily said. "I mean, how come no one has never heard of this so called 'Lasting Sleep'?" (Maybe because you’re in a horror story? Also, that double negative is driving me crazy.)

"I don't know," Salem answered. (I think Salem has said a whole seven words in this story so far. He does actually have a story arc coming up, but it’s not very exciting.) "Yeah, and what about that guy they found in her garden," Faith said. (Obviously, something strange is going on. Kris has some weird ailment and they found a corpse in her yard the same night she was attacked. What’s so hard to understand?)

They were silent. (Probably marveling at their own stupidity.) "You nkow what I heard," Salem said. "I heard that they think that Kris was in a cult." "Why?," asked Faith. "Didn't you hear? There were strange markings on here back. Supposedly very cultlike markings," said Lily. (Okay, I highly doubt that this sort of information would be released to the public. Also, I think the police would be able to tell that the markings had been done after she had been attacked, which would point to gang or cult-related initiation ceremonies as opposed to Kris herself being in a cult. But then again, the police are usually dumb as shit in my stories so that the characters have to rely on themselves. And because I can’t write a very convincing police officer.)

"Lets changesubject said Salem. (I guess Salem’s worried about his word usage. He probably doesn’t want to say too many words, so he’s started combining them.) "I think we all need a little fun in our lives. How bout we do somethnig tonight," he said. (I’m beginning to think that Salem has a very lonely home life, seeing as how he never wants to be there. First the Pizza Shack invite and now this.) "Can't," said Lily. "I have to do my detention tonight, then I have to babysit the triplets: Leslie, Mandy, and Clark." (Oh dear Lord, just the thought of triplets makes me cringe. Evil has no truer form. Detention plus babysitting evil would equal the worst day of my life. Be strong, Lily.) "Your babysitting the Lester twins? (I thought they were triplets?) I'm babysitting the two Andrews children: Maryn and Drew," said Faith. "After I visit Colby in the hospital."

"You don't sound to happy about that," Salem said. "No I am, it's just, oh never mind," said Faith. "Tell us," Lily said.

"Well , he's different." "Different how?," asked Lily and Salem. ".... well, um,...Oh! Look at the time! I gotta get to class! Bye!," said Faith, and with that she sprinted off. "She's hiding something," Lily said. (Again with the obviousness. You people are idiots.)

Chapter Four

December 3rd

4:15 PM

"Maybe we can visit Kris while we are here," River said. "No, they aren't letting her have any visitors," Faith said. (I’m not sure why Kris isn’t allowed to have visitors. It’s probably because I didn’t want to go through the trouble of describing what this “lasting sleep” was like.)

They were at the hospital (I think we’ve established this already), walking to Colby's room. When they got there, he looked pleased to see them. "Hey," he said weakly. "Hey," said Faith, tears welling in her eyes. "River, go get something to drink, I have to talk to Colby alone."

"I don't have any money," he said. "Here, take this," she said hand ing him a bill out of her pocket. "I don't think $20 is going to be enough," said River (Okay, this is where I draw the line, River. I mean, you’re sister is clearly unbalanced, and you’re taking advantage. Maybe you have some sort of disorder? Sometimes you’re very empathetic and caring, and sometimes you steal).

"Here take this," she said, handnig him another $20. (River is the worst brother in the entire world. I remember writing this and thinking it was funny. Now I just think it’s mean.) When he was out of earshot, Faith started to talk. "Colby, we need ttalk about what happened the other night."

"I don't remember much. Actually," Colby said," it felt like something was controlling me. I remember being angry that you didn't show up at my house. I sat down with a bottle of wine from my parents cabinet down stairs. Suddenly I felt this power surging inside me, like something had entered my body. I couldn't controll my actions. I threw my bottle of wine, and that's the last I remember." (For not remembering much, you sure have very specific memories, Colby.)

"Colby," said Faith,"do you believe that demons exist?" "Why," he asked. (Umm, let’s see: you just got done saying that you felt like something was controlling you, which is another way of describing possession, you idiot! Seriously, there must be something in the water in this fictional town, because this story is populated by utter morons.) "Because, right after I stabbed you, your face turned demon like. Then, they found a dead guy in Kris's garden, and they found her in the woods behind her neighbor's house. She is in what the doctors are calling 'the lasting sleep'. She doesn't move, she doesn't talk, she doesn't even blink, she just sits there."

"I know," said Colby. "How?" "Look," he said. Colby pullrd away the curtain next to his bed. There lay Kris, motionless. "What's going on?," asked River as he came into the room.

Wait just a second! First of all, I thought Kris wasn’t allowed to have visitors. If that were the case, why would she be sharing a room with someone who was allowed to have visitors? And secondly, what the eff kind of hospital lets a girl and a guy share a room? I’m not sure if that’s illegal, but it’s certainly unethical.

December 3rd

6:29 PM

Lily knocked on the Lester's door. Mandy answered in. "Lily!," she said. Mandy was by far the nicest of the three triplets. "Oh, Lily," said Mr. Lester,"6:30 sharp, right on time as usual," he said pleasantly (which is code for “Oh, thank the Lord you’re here! These three demonic children are going to be the death of me, and if I don’t get out of this house soon I am probably going to become a mass murderer and kill them all!). "Hon, we better get goin," said Mrs. Lester. (Umm, Mrs. Lester, your husband is waiting by the door, masking his complete and total exasperation with forced friendliness. Do you not see him? He’s probably been ready for hours.) "See ya Lily."

When they were gone, Leslie and Clark came downstairs. Lily wasn't looking forward to this night. (Imagine that.) Clark and Leslie weren't nearly as pleasent as Mandy. (It seems I had trouble spelling the word “pleasant”…as well as half of the English language.)

***

December 3rd

6:50PM

"Maryn, stop it! Leave your sister alone! That's it Drew, hit her back, I mean no Drew, don't do that!," Faith hollered. (No, Faith, I think that is exactly the right response…reason #1 why I should never have children.) She had only been babysitting for 10 mniutes and all ready the girls were getting out of hand. "I don't have to! Your not my mom!"aid Maryn "Well I'm you babysitter so you will listen to me untill your mom gets home," Faith yelled at her. (This actually happened to me years later while babysitting a little kid from my church. Thankfully, he wasn’t as bad as Maryn, who’s campaigning against the Lester triplets, minus Mandy, for pint-sized horror of the century.) Drew was busy looking out the window when she saw him, her, it (in case you didn’t know that this is supposed to be the demon), out side the house next door. The Lester's house.

Okay, confession time: I actually stole some of this from Halloween, which I saw at an inappropriately young age (I also saw The Exorcist around this time…and they’re both very overrated). I really only “borrowed” the idea of the babysitters getting stalked while, what else, babysitting, and the fact that aforementioned babysitters were babysitting children who lived near each other. So, I’m not sure if that counts as plagiarism (though God knows I’ve done that a few times back in the day…I’m talking entire stories lifted from novels and movies. Good thing I never tried to have them published).

Chapter Five

December 3rd

7:01 PM

"You kids! Put that rope down! Ow! That hurt you little!," (Little what? Just say it, Lily. It would make the story more interesting…and more realistic.) Lily was losing her patience (Which, considering the circumstances, shows remarkable self-control on Lily’s part…those kids would probably already be dead if I were there…reason #2 I’m never having children). Leslie and Clark had locked Mandy in the closet and were trying to tie Lily up. Lily knew she would win. She always did. The two evil siblings always did this when Lily babysat and they always were sent to their room afterword. (I have to ask, Lily: if they do this every time, then why in the world do you continue babysitting them? No amount of money is worth this torment.) Lily finally grabbed both the kids by their ears "Bed time!," she said in triumph. "But it's only seven!," said Leslie. "Oh well!," said Lily tauntingly.

This is actually based on a real babysitting story my mom told me. She babysat for this family once when she was 13, and the two children tied her up and put her in the closet. No, I’m not making this up…I didn’t think stuff like that happened in real life either. Needless to say, she never babysat for them again. Lily must be the most patient person alive.

As soon as she got them to bed she went and unlocked Mandy from the closet. "Thanks Lily," said Mandy. "No problem," said Lily. It was another ten minutes before Mandy looked out of the window. "Look!Ü¥e_#À (Okay, this is where part of the story gets messed up. Basically, Mandy sees the demon outside, thinks it’s her father, and then proceeds to cause a chain of events that result in…well, you’ll just have to wait and see.)

it the next instance she said,"I'm going to get Daddy!" Lily yelled,"No, Mandy! That's not your daddy!" "It's not?," asked Mandy (I have no idea why Mandy’s assumed that the shadowy figure outside is her father…he’s made no indication that he is, nor does he resemble him). "No! go to your room and lock the door! Hurry!," screamed Lily. (It’s about damn time that someone in this story did something intelligent. That’s actually exactly what I would do.) Mandy did as she was told.

Suddenly the phone rang. With trembling hands Lily picked up the phone. "He, he, hello?," she said. Lily heard a crash in the sitting room. She ran there but stopped at the corner. (Good thing you stopped, Lily. You were dangerously close to me revoking the praise I gave you in the last paragraph.) Lily peered around it and saw that someone had thrown a chair through the patio doors. (This part is stolen from Scream. I told you I’ve plagiarized a fair number of times in my day.) That someone was climbing through the new entrance.Lily sped back to the window. The demon wasn't there any more, but Lily could guess where it was now. In the sitting room.

Lily ran to the kitchen. (Again with the intelligence. Sure, she should have called the police by now, but at least she’s not outside investigating dead bodies or something equally moronic, which is more than I can say for some people.) The went to grab a knife out of the drowe (otherwise known as a drawer). Her trembling knocked the cabinet over. All the knives fell to the ground, along with all the other utensils. She stuggled to get the sharpest knife out of the dwore. The demon must have heard all the racket because it was now in the kitchen. The demon grabbed her. It opened a box (Uh oh! Soul suck alert!)

Lily stabbed the demon before he got it all the way open. (Yeah Lily! In one chapter you’ve become the most exciting and interesting character in the story. Naturally, that means your time is up, since this story is a Cory original.) It pushed her against the wall. It held her there with one hand and waved his hand with the other. Three knives floated off the ground. One went into Lily's right hand, the other went into the the other two went into her feet. "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!," she screamed in pain. The demon then took his own knife and stabbed it into her other hand. "Aaaaaaahhh!," she screamed again. The demon opened the box again. Lily could literally feel her soul being absorbed. (This scene is seriously disturbing. Sometimes I wonder how close I was to becoming a serial killer back in the day. I’m kidding, don’t worry. Still, I’m curious what a soul being absorbed feels like, and how Lily, who is in a state of severe distress, is able to recognize the feeling and think, “Hmm, I guess this demon is after souls.”)

When Lily's head slumped down, he took his knife, but left the other one's there. It wasn't till 10 minutes later that she was found by Mrs. Lester.

Wait, why are the Lesters home already? They just left around 6:30ish. I know the reason wasn't that they weren’t missing their children horribly and thus decided to come home early. Anyways, so long, Lily. I enjoyed your sudden burst of intellect here at the end of your story arc. Let’s hope your idiot friends find a way to literally save your soul. It’s not likely, but we can dream.

And so we've come to the end of another installment, one that contained actual babysitting. I never realized it until now, but I must have hated children even back when I was one. Most of the kids in this story are horrible and mean, and I think I must have had an unconscious dislike for them back in the day, too. Anyways, I'm going to miss Lily. Who else actually stands a chance to save the town from this demon?

Next time:  we'll get more soul-sucking, more moronic behavior, more implausible and contrived plot points, and there will even be a shower scene! Well, sort of. Don't get too excited.